Inner thoughts during a depressive episode

This conflict is eating me alive
How am I supposed to know?
What the right choice is
I feel a pressure to be
Two different people
It’s like playing tug of war
And you are the one being tugged
I feel like Dr. Hyde and Mr. Jekyll

I have been told to follow my heart
But my heart is clouded
Blocked by years of building a wall
To protect myself

My head is spinning
Splitting at the seams

My gut is in knots
Tangled and mangled beyond repair

I know the past holds no more answers
The present has too many questions
The future seems so bleak and blurry
Like smoke in a dimly lit room

How can I tell what is right from wrong?
In a world that is so twisted

I try and see past the smoke and confusion
But I am left blinded
I can’t see the light
The switch seems so out of reach

My resolve is weakening
My faith is non-existent

I am struggling to find my way
I am banging against the sides
Of this cage
I wish I had the key
To unlock this prison

The pressure is heavy
I can barely breathe
With each day I get weaker
Unable to summon the strength

What am I to do?
Where can I go?
Those are a few of the questions I ask
Yet I have no answers
No way in
No way out
A lose-lose situation
One of my own making

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