Dear Me

Dear Me,
I know how hard you are on yourself, but you need to lighten up a little. The toys don’t always need to be picked up and the dishes can wait. Go play get on the floor and make memories with Aiden and Kailyne. They will only be this little once.
I know sometimes it’s tough that Kailyne always wants to hang onto you but one day soon she won’t and you are going to miss me. Soon she wouldn’t be asking you to go to bed with her, she won’t need you there to make her feel safe. Soon Aiden will stop asking if he is good and if you are proud of him. Remember then on the worst days, you still matter to them. Yes, they would miss you if you ended your life.
I know it sucks being unemployed but right now you need to focus on school and raising your kids. You need to teach them safety and a life without domestic violence. You need to show them stability and while you are at it could you please learn some patience. You are way too stressed and that’s not healthy.
Remember it’s not the mess and the mayhem that matters it’s the memories you make with them. They won’t care what you cooked or how u looked or what you bought them, it’s the memories of having a boy’s vs girl’s pizza cook off, or Aiden dumping a lot of garlic into the spaghetti sauce or even kailyne just stirring the sauce while you did most of the cooking.
It’s you getting on the back of Aiden’s quad and going around the block even though your hips were killing you after. It’s the shaving cream fight in the living room. It’s the late night cuddles and talks. Its walking with Aiden around the block after he had a bad dream holding his hand just you and him. Its dancing with the kids while the stereo blares in the background.
Take more pictures of you and the kids, you are so worried about capturing all their memories but one day, you will be gone and they won’t have pictures of you and them. I know you don’t like your picture taken but get in there.
You also need to socialize with other adults more. Eventually the kids won’t be so dependent on you and they will have their own lives and where does that lead you. Stop being afraid. Not everyone will judge you. You need to make time for you too. You pour all your energy into researching Autism and Sensory Processing Disorders and running after two kids and working on school work or your blog. You need to breathe, when was the last time you just grabbed your camera and took pictures. When was the last time you just drew?
I know you want to build your blog and you have goals but sometimes you need to just unwind. On that note stop staying up all hours of the night and unplug. You are no use to anyone if you are a zombie the next morning.
Another tip, stop worrying about how you compare to how you looked in high school or to other women your age. Yes, you have more stretch marks, you have carried and grew two beautiful children inside of you. Your scars from birthing them are part of their story. Your boobs, thighs and butt have all changed because you did lose weight when you were pregnant plus side, you aren’t as heavy as you were in high school. Your scars from your gallbladder surgery that annoy you, remember how unbearable that pain was? Yea take the scars over the pain.
You need to realize beauty is in the eye of the beholder. Stop trying to fit into the norm of society. You were born to be different. Just because you aren’t someone cup of tea doesn’t mean you aren’t someone’s triple shot of fireball.
You do need to plan a little more sometimes. You know life happens but you can’t always just go with the flow. Chase all your dreams. Whether it’s your blog or becoming a NICU nurse. Show your drawings and photography off too. You are talented don’t forget that.
Stop trying to figure Jamie out so you can fix him. It’s great to want to understand why everything happened but fixing him will not make the past any better. Learn so you can stop making the same mistakes but honey you can’t fix him. Only he can do that. Yes, somethings are really easy to fall back into with him, but you have to decide what you really want. What is best for you?
You really need to think about what you want out of your life. You know what you want as far as a career and what time of mother you want to be, but what about everything else? You also need to stop giving so many people so many chances. And you need to learn to open up to the right people. You hold too much in sometimes.
Whatever happen to the fearless girl, who thought she could conquer the world? Its ok to say, you need help sometimes. You don’t always have to be Wonder Woman. Take pride in both your accomplishments and your failures.
Please realize that you are not your parent’s mistakes. You are worthy of love. You are more than your bipolar, its ok to talk to someone about it.
I am so proud of how far you have come. I love the fact you are finally and truly standing up for what you want and what you believe is right. Don’t let no one take your voice away or try to extinguish the fire you have inside of you.
Just remember a bad day isn’t a bad life and you are a queen.

Love always,
YOU

 

6 thoughts on “Dear Me

    1. I think a Dear Me letter is a great way to reflect on our lives and sometimes we all need to take a step back. I believe that we all get wrapped up in the day to day issues and sometimes forget to look at the big picture. I read Pastel Rocket’s Dear me and it was a great read. I would be honored if you shared my post with them.

      Liked by 1 person

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